My hope is built on nothing less
than Jesus' blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
but wholly trust in Jesus' name.

When darkness seems to hide His face
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil.
- Cornerstone, Hillsong


But do not ask the price I pay,
I must live with my quiet rage,
Tame the ghosts in my head,
That run wild and wish me dead.
Should you shake my ash to the wind
Lord, forget all of my sins
Let me die where I lie,
Beneath the curse of my lovers eyes.

I walk slow, I walk slow.
Take me hand, help me on my way.
- Lovers Eyes, Mumford & Sons


But there's one thing I know
The blues they send to meet me won't defeat me
It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothin's worryin' me
- Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head, B. J. Thomas


My strength is gone and I can hardly breathe.
Again the one who looked like a man touched me and gave me strength.
"Do not be afraid, you who are highly esteemed", he said. "Peace! Be strong now; be strong."
- Daniel 10:17-19



Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst.

But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life.

1 Timothy 1:15-16


teach my unteachable heart

"Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from me; nevertheless not my will, but Yours, be done."
- Luke 22:42

Jesus was also a loving and even-tempered person that was never offended, even when falsely accused. He had no guilt and so did not see a reason to defend Himself or justify why He chose to do things a certain way. He just kept silent. He would try to make people understand perhaps if they asked, but when they differed, He just stopped talking. He would always defend truth and the rights of others however, but never Himself...
...Can we be loving to a Judas? Can we be loyal to someone we know is unfaithful, unloyal, and a part of those that are aggressively against us? Can we go on like nothing is wrong and still love them to the end? Are we really like Him? How would we score if God tested us? Are we going to be gentle, meek, and lowly in heart?..
...Let us ask ourselves, are we still expecting perfection from Satan’s imperfect world? Are we prone to hold the people around us responsible for our personal problems and our unhappiness? When unfair circumstances arise, or things seem unjust, do we jump up and down, get our feelings hurt, and proceed to get even? Does it make us feel better to have people choose sides with us? Do we make ourselves the "poor little victim" to gather people to support us? Friends, if any of the above scenarios are reflections of us, believe me, we are not the ones who are teachable. How do I know? Because our Heavenly Father would have taught us better had we been teachable and submitted to Him...
- from http://www.trumpetsoftruth.com/lect_files/teachable%20or%20unteachable.html 

"Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."
- Matthew 11:29

"Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord."
- Hebrews 12:147


how to

"Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord."
- Hebrews 12:14


'it came to the end'
it seems you had heard.
as we walked the city streets you never said a word.
when we finally sat down
your eyes were full of spite.
i was desperate, i was weak, i could not put up a fight.

you were strangely less in pain
then you were cold.
triumphant in your mind of the logic that you hold.

and i hear of your coming and your going in the town.
i hear stories of your smile,
i hear stories of your frown.

where are you now?
where are you now?
do you ever think of me
in the quiet, in the crowd?
- where are you now, mumford & sons


the plan

I don't know why it has taken me this long to realise or 'get', but I have once again remembered the importance of reading the bible.

The past month I have been dead. A walking zombie. Actually those two descriptions don't describe what I mean at all (see previous post!). What I mean is that I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm drained. I don't have much left in the tank and the trip across the country has only just started. Humour me a sec. Close your eyes and imagine I'm going on a trip - driving from Auckland to Croatia (of course my car is one of those new water vehicles that drive on top of the water). Except I've only just made it over the Auckland harbour bridge and my petrol light is on. Sugar. I've hardly started the journey. (Now open your eyes so you can continue reading).

That is how exhausted I am. Drained, completely used up, very tired, have no reserves, falling asleep in my chair. Zero strength here.

And then I heard this analogy of reading the bible:

Reading the bible is like eating food. We all eat food. Some don't need to eat alot with their tiny stomachs, and then some need more. Some loooove food while some are ho-hum about it. Some love to cook while others don't know how. But regardless of all of this, we all need to eat, and we all do eat. Because it's what we do, it's how we survive, it's what gives us strength. Although sometimes our food is pretty bland, unexciting, un-inspiring and simple. But we still eat it. We might have burnt toast for breakfast, a carrot at lunchtime, and then maccaroni cheese for dinner. Doesn't sound very appealing but we still eat it. And then other times we go out and eat a meal at a restaurant. They cook our steak perfectly and they have our favourite dessert on the menu. Wow. And then we go home, go to sleep, wake up the next morning and have our burnt toast again. Even though we just ate some amazing food at dinner, we still need to continue eating the next day. And the day after that. The one amazing meal will not sustain us.

And the same for reading the bible. We need to read the bible daily. Even if we only have a nibble and it's not that tasty. We read a few verses and didn't feel very inspired. But we still do it because we need to "eat". And then maybe we'll read the Word and it will be an amazing time where God intimately speaks to us. But again we must wake up the next morning and do it again.

This is how I will build up my strength. I have set a challenge (because being competitive is in my nature) to read the bible daily. It might not seem like I'm getting much from it. I might only read a few verses and it might not taste that nice. It might feel like a chore (as cooking sometimes does) or it might be like eating a certain someone's famous brownie. But what I do know it will definitely be like is eating food. I will unintentionally and unknowingly by sustaining my body.

And that is how I plan to go from zero to hero.


working on it

'The enemy has come to steal and kill and destroy."
- John 10:10

I ain't a great communicator. This probably isn't new to you if you've followed my blog for any amount of time (nod your head if you agree). When I pick thoughts out of my head they don't come out in speech or on paper in any romantic way. They are awkward and sloppy and ugly. And most often they don't even contain the message that I want them to. I just ain't great at it.

Improvement = needed.


I have no end.

I had God in a box.

In fact it's likely I still do. But at least now I know to get a sledge hammer and smash the thing open.

Jesus once asked me if He would be enough for me. He asked me to surrender all my hopes and dreams and to be okay with purely Him alone. Long story short, I did - I have, and I've been feeling out of pocket since. My own dreams and plans seem so perfect. They seem like they will complete me and my life. But I have not being holding Scripture as close to my heart and instead have chosen to stumble across this plain, holding blindly to my own feelings. I have been walking around like a headless chicken. Gross.

"Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think."
- Ephesians 3:20

I never seriously considered that what God might have in store for me could actually be better than what I imagined. Not only might His will contain more than what we might ask or think, but 'infinitely more'. That's not just lots more or heaps more, but I have no end more. Pretty un-comparable to my so-called 'dream' life. I am capable of leaving a legacy here on earth. And not necessarily in having children and raising them to know and love the Lord, who will then go on to teach their children to know and love the Lord, who will go on and do exactly the same. The legacy I leave does not necessarily mean that there will be a vast family of mini- me's who, when the time comes, will get together and celebrate in Heaven. But maybe my legacy will not be with family. Maybe my neighbour who I have shared the gospel with will go on and tell her postman, who will go on and tell his mother, who will tell all the ladies at her book club, who will tell their grandchildren, who will share it with their teacher, who tell their pen pal in Croatia. And maybe, just maybe, the legacy I will leave will end up reaching the prettiest country in the whole entire world. And maybe that will be better than the vast family of mini-me's. Or maybe God has something infinitely more than that.

And in this instant generation that we seem to be a part of, it's easy to tell God to give it now. Where is this apparent I have no end plan you say? Funny you should ask. The amount of time between when Joseph was given his vision to the time that the vision was realised was 14 years. That's a lot of waiting. The disciples were taught by Jesus for years before he went up to heaven, and yet in Acts 1 we see Jesus telling the ready and eager disciples to wait even still.

"Do not leave Jerusalem until the Father sends you the gift he promised, as I told you before."
- Acts 1:4

Just wait for it. And as you do pray and build in anticipation for the mighty power of God to be revealed in your life. The same power that formed each individual cell in every human body and that created galaxies that we have yet to have even seen.

I hope that my patience and contentment will be as great as Abraham's. Abraham who continually believed what God had promised. Even though he did not know where he was going or get to see the land that he had sought for so long, he "saw it from a distance and [still] welcomed it" (Hebrews 11:13). He didn't long for the country he came from (his own plans and desire) or else he would have gone back. But instead:

"He was looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland."
- Hebrews 11:16

I plan on doing the same.

"Come to the edge." We can't.
"Come to the edge." We can't. We're afraid.
"Come to the edge." We can't. We will fall.
"Come to the edge."
And they came.
And He pushed them.
And they flew.



To my child of wonder rambling
All my crooked fingers pointing blame
Let it all wash out in the rain
Yes let it all wash out in the rain.

One more for forgiveness
Twisting in the cold
Singing love, love is something I believe in.
Too much my defenses
Are dangling from the chain.
But free, free is something to believe in.
- All Wash Out, Edward Sharpe


"Life has many ways of testing a person's will, either by having nothing happen at all or by having everything happen all at once."
- Paulo Coelho


6 Things

6 Things I Learned Today:

1. Broccoli soup, surprisingly, is my new favourite.
2. $2.99 times 4 does not equal $8.00.
3. Assignments do not write themselves.
4. Chocolate truffle making is a long process.
5. Sisters can be quite nice.
6. I am more like my Mother than maybe I care to admit.


The Wise Man

Whoever it was that said 'knowledge is power' was a wise, wise man. They will forever be honoured by me as The Wise Man. They're welcome.

I am currently studying hard to become a teacher. Hopefully, a good teacher. So obviously I hold knowledge pretty high on that pedestal. But. There's this catch 22 with knowledge - because knowledge is power.

You see, what good is it to have knowledge and then do nothing with it? Un exemple est: what good would it be for a scientist to find the cure for cancer tomorrow and instead of telling the necessary doctors, he retires to Croatia? Knowledge is power.

Knowledge is one thing, but what you choose to do with that knowledge is another. It's kind of a make or break thing. You could graduate with a kajillion (my maths is incredibly bad, so I'm just gonna say this is a couple of place values higher than a million) degrees and still be the most foolish person in the world if that is all you do.

"Well mister, what is it that you're planning to do with your kajillion degrees worth of knowledge?"

I guess in some ways the world would seem nicer if you were unaware and oblivious to things - if you weren't educated in any subject, if that person never told you that secret, if you tuned out when the conversation turned to politics, if you never saw what you did, if you chose not to look at that receipt that shows you were charged an extra $3.20 (because I mean $3.20 isn't exactly enough to make you drive all the way back to the store but it is enough to annoy you for the next half hour) or if you didn't know the polar caps were melting. All these things might still be happening - but you would be non the wiser. That old saying "what they don't know won't hurt em" might be appropriate.

But you are educated, you do know, and you did find out. And now, my friend, the power rests with you.


"...he put a hand on my back. I knew he understood I was hurting, he stood as if trying to absorb my pain in the hope of taking it from me and making it his own."
- Dear John, Nicholas Sparks


now more than ever

Living Rain, fall again
Over my life, over my land.
Living Rain, wash my heart again.

Open wide, heaven skies,
Over my street, oh Spirit reside.
Living Rain, flood my life again.
- Living Rain, Parachute Band

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.
- Romans 8: 26-28 (message version)




Oh, Love that will not let me go
I rest my weary soul in Thee.
I give You back the life I owe
And in Your ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

My life is not my own
It's Yours.
My life is not my own
I know it's Yours.
- Oh Love That Will Not Let Me Go, Ascend the Hill


Well, Lo and Behold

 I am finding myself again. 
Or rather finding myself in Him.
And His love will never tire. 
He will never be exhausted of me going round an' round an' round.

If only you could see
How heaven stills when you speak
I know all your days
And I have wrapped you in mystery.

And oh, My love for you
Is as wide as the galaxies
Just hold out your hand and close your eyes
And come be with Me.
- My Love Hasn't Grown Cold, Bethany Dillon


funky funk funk

I've been in a bit of a funk.

I used to believe that I loved winter (I am unsure of my current standing). Winter means that I can wrap up warm and cosy, stay indoors listening to the wind and the rain, I can sleep cuddling a hot water bottle, enjoy some time with my family, and just, well, chill (no pun intended). But in reality, or at least this time round, it's been a struggle and I am already yearning for the signs of spring. The warmth from indoors is not doing it's job - the heat pump is only drying out my skin - and my heart remains cold. For obvious reasons this is not good; for when the heart is cold neither does the bloodstream run warm. And my being does not do well under said conditions. My being needs life and light and humour and hope, but instead is receiving death and darkness and depression and despair. Oooooo, over-dramatic unintentional alleteration (see how easy it is to please my soul...c'mon winter that's all I'm asking!).

Like I said, just a bit of a funk.


You know that moment when you've already said "pardon?" like three times but you still have no idea what the person said and so you just decide to nod your head in agreement hoping that it'll be adequate enough to change the topic...well, that happened to me today.

The end. (Yes, really, that it is all.)

So again, I kiss your feet for the lack of a 'real' post and will bow out of this one with this:



Lucky for you I've been super busy this week. That means instead of reading my awkwardly formed sentences you can enjoy another one of these.



“What seem our worst prayers may really be, in God's eyes, our best. Those, I mean, which are least supported by devotional feeling. For these may come from a deeper level than feeling. God sometimes seems to speak to us most intimately when he catches us, as it were, off our guard.”
- C.S. Lewis


when you're done with this world

Walt Grace's Submarine Test, January 1967 - John Mayer.

I like to listen to this song with my eyes closed. Pure brilliance.

This song I love for many reasons. Point one, it is a story about a man who is building his own little submarine (that alone should automatically put this song somewhere in your top25!). Point two, this man believes that this submarine he is building will be strong enough to carry him across an ocean - dream big people. Which leads to point three, it inspires us to follow our dreams. Point four, our journey will not be without disappointments, mockery and trouble - Walt Grace was called 'crazy' even by his wife. Point five, the story leaves us with some uncertainty and room for our own interpretation (for those who have read the lyrics and want to know my thoughts - I believe that he is the one making the call to his wife from Japan and therefore he didn't die). Point six, the man has created his own legend. Point seven, it has an amazing tune and drumming/marching beat. Point eight, it is performed by the one and only John Mayer. And finally point nine, it undoubtedly contains one of the best quotes I have heard in a while:

"Cos when you're done with this world, you know the next is up to you."
- Walt Grace's Submarine Test, January 1967, John Mayer

The next is up to you.

Have a dream? Great, go live it.
Wanna create that piece of art? How about picking up that paintbrush.
Had an arguement with your friend? Pick up the phone and apologise.
Not hearing from God? Open your bible.
Got split ends? Book that hair appointment already. (I need to take my own advice on this one!)

The next is up to you.

Tonight I read through Psalm 13. I feel that this Psalm is a seasonal verse and at some point in our lives we will have the chance to relate word for word. It is a season of desperation, anguish, pleading and frustration. Sound familiar? If you simply look through the first four verses, well, things are pretty darn bleak:
How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him, ”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But. (Possibly one of the most hopeful words in the english language). The next is up to you.
But I trust in Your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in Your salvation.
I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for He has been good to me.
- Psalm 13:5-6
Your attitude is everything. When the world throws all it can at you and you feel like you couldn't possibly handle anymore, what is your reaction? Will you be like Walt Grace and jump into your handmade submarine anyway, or will you let this sense of defeat become a self-fulfulling prophecy? Will you give up? Or will you give in to God? Because despite Him being seemingly silent and hidden, there will always be a 'but'.

But...well, the next is up to you.

Walt Grace, desperately hating his whole place, 
Dreamed to discover a new space, and buried himself alive,
Inside his basement, tongue on the side of his face meant,
He's working away on displacement, and what it would take to survive.

'Cause when you're done with this world, you know the next is up to you.
And his wife told his kids he was crazy, and his friends said he'd fail if he tried,
But with a will to work hard, and a library card,
He took a homemade, fan-blade, one-man submarine ride.

That morning, the sea was mad and I mean it,
Waves as big as he'd seen it, deep in his dreams at home.
From dry land, he rolled it over to wet sand,
Closed the hatch up with one hand, and peddled off alone.

'Cause when you're done with this world, you know the next is up to you.
And for once in his life it was quiet, as he learned how to turn in the tide,
And the sky was a flare, when he came up for air,
In his homemade, fan-blade, one-man submarine ride.

One evening, when weeks had passed since his leaving,
The call she'd planned on receiving, finally made it home.
She accepted, the news she'd never expected,
The operator connected, a call from Tokyo.

'Cause when you're done with this world, you know the next is up to you.
Now his friends bring him up when they're drinking, at the bar with his name on the side,
And they smile when they can, as they speak of a man,
Who took a homemade, fan-blade, one-man submarine ride.
- Walt Grace's Submarine Test, January 1967, John Mayer


i wonder...

i love love love walking through the city. there are so many people to watch (and much different to people stalking or people staring - both are big no no's...appreciated by no one).

and so, as i was walking down this busy city street i thought to myself (being zero percent judgemental and one hundred percent curious):

"i wonder where that person is going? that man looks very serious...i wonder what he's thinking about right now?...work?...family?...finances?...the education system?...rugby? where have you come from? why is that man wearing a jacket that is fluro? what made him think 'yeah, i'm gonna buy this' when he picked it off the rack? have you just arrived or are you leaving? what's your chosen mode of transport?...bicycle?...train?...or are you about to get into that car that is parked on the double lines? what made you decide to break the law? you two are cute. how did you meet? i wonder why that child is and not at school...did their mum let them skip?...is it their birthday and they are out celebrating?...tourists on holiday? well then, ciao to you. but why on earth did you choose auckland of all places to visit? what brings you here to pass me this very second? what's your story? are you thinking about mine?

and so on and so forth...this really was just 30secs from my thought train of my entire walk through the city. and you know what, i never once got tired of it. and i think it is so incredibly and entirely ridiculous that i could only think about one person at a time and yet the street was crowded (i missed 99.99999% of all people on that one street at that one time on that one day) and yet this is happening millions of times over all around the world. there are stories everywhere that i know nothing about. imagine italy... croatia... thailand... istanbul... 

flip, God has the best job ever.


a little bat mitzvah

I did a little bit of research on bar/bat mitzvah celebrations (mainly because they throw the kid up onto a chair and dance around with them hoisted up there...and that is just down right exciting! Who wouldn't want to do a little research on this!.). And by research I do mean typing 'BAR MITZVAH' into the handy search engine google and then reading through my good friend - the Wikipedia.

(C'mon, how excited are these guys!)

And this is what I found out.

Bar Mitzvah ('Bat' for girls) is a Jewish coming of age ritual. In fact, I found out that there is such a thing as a 'Bark Mitzvah' (...and yes, this is a coming of age celebration for your dog). The Jewish meaning for 'Mitzvah' is 'commandments as said by God'. Before this coming of age the parents hold all the responsibility for the child's actions, but afterwards they are all on their own. They are accountable for their own responsibility in Jewish rituals, law, traditions and ethics. They are fully-fledged. And it's time to leave the nest. 

Although this is not a biblical concept and nothing of the sort was celebrated in Jesus' time (also found out through my 'research') maybe as a Christian we are meant to celebrate a type of 'bar mitzvah' in our faith. We need to reach a point of maturity where we need to hold ourselves responsible for our own actions, be accountable to what is written in the bible, and hold the 'commandments as said by God'. We do not need anymore hand holding and we can't expect to be spoon feed.

I have accepted the fact that I am no longer in my season of "busy being blessed" and beautiful things are not being handed to me on a plate - I have to search for them in the everyday mundane things (and sometimes really hard!). And this means I have to start purposely putting God first. A little thing I have decided to do is start a prayer journal. Every night (regardless of what time it is) I have to write out a full page of conversation with God. This tangible journal means that I can't fall asleep when I pray after turning off the light, and I know that by creating a type of challenge/goal I will stick to it (as defeat is my number one enemy).

I have to remind myself that this is a celebration. Looking in the haystack of life for that needle of beauty is a celebration because it means that God thinks I'm ready. And if He says I'm ready then who am I to argue.
So I'm gonna party it up and dance on chairs. Wanna join me?