I like to know what is happening and how things are going to go, and I will plan in advance so that this is possible.
I like to sit with my back against the wall so I can see everything going on in front of me.
When I play a sport I automatically switch to defender - the last line of the team - this way I can clearly have a view of the whole game.
The frames in my room just have to be straight or who knows what will happen.
I love the number 3. In fact, do you know what's better than the number 3? The number 9. Bet you can't guess why. (In fact, after writing that it's not so much complusive as OCD. Possibly an over share?).
I have to have alot of self discipline for when I see people doing things different to the way I know is better.
I don't like to rely on other people too much, not trusting that they will do as good a job as I would.
I'm a horrible front seat passenger and would much rather be the one behind the wheel.
I absolutely one hundred percent have to have things clean and tidy.
I firmly believe in 'a place for everything and everything in its place'.

I know what you're thinking...she's part of that club.

Yep, I sure am.

And those were a few of our 101 rules. (Although I'm slowly getting better - shhhhh, don't tell the other club members, they might try and kick me out.) The most important one for me at the moment is rule #39 (see what I did there): the need to know what my future is going to be like.

Next year I have to move on to something new. Probably University. I used to feel so much pressure to know what job I wanted to be in; and at the same time was too scared to go with what I really wanted to do. My dreams felt just like that - dreams. I could never be an interior designer or a full-time photographer or be the modern day William Wilberforce or the primary teacher that you always remember or go to Croatia or own an art gallery or travel with my job or live in another country or work nice hours or be a full-time mum and a hell-of-a-wife.

And so I worry. I worry that I will end up settling for the stable and secure rather than the adventurous and unknown.

I have learnt a few things though. It doesn't matter which job you enter into. God is easy. He doesn't worry about whether our next pay check will be enough to keep the bank happy with our mortgage. He isn't afraid of us choosing one thing over the other when both would work out okay. He isn't on the fence like us, weighing up a trip to the moon over working at the observatory. He wouldn't be bothered if we become a politician, or a veternerian, or a hippy, or a pharmacist, or a bookshop keeper, or a farmer, or a judge, or a DJ, or a chimney sweeper. Heck, he doesn't care if we never get a job at all.

Because the choice isn't what matters. What does matter is that we do whatever we do with everything we have. If you're a make-up artist, a nanny, or a firefighter, be the best make-up artist, nanny, or firefighter there is. Don't be half-hearted with what you do, because everything is an opportunity. Everything is the same. 

Soak it up. Be here in this moment. I'm all for living in the now; in being fully present with my day and my moments. I want to be fully engaged in whatever I do. 

I'm gunna do whatever the heck I want to do.

"Now we should live when the pulse of life is strong. Life is a tedious thing...fragile, fleeting. Don't wait for tomorrow. Be here now! Be here now! Be here now!"


guess i have the weirds

                stranger I’ve known you for so long
                i found you lost with a compass in the fog
                stranger you know me too much
                illusionary-self had not be touched, until you

                stranger you’ve followed me so far
                until the roads converged, as did the stars
                stranger the moon looks blue tonight
                your photo framed, raw within my mind, but not tonight
                   - stranger, katie costello


twenty two.

girlfriends got too many things to say.

and yet i sit here and all i can think to write is . . .
how is that?

1. Bury or drown beneath a huge mass.
2. Defeat completely.

someday i'll get there. but until then; i'm drowning.