'it came to the end'
it seems you had heard.
as we walked the city streets you never said a word.
when we finally sat down
your eyes were full of spite.
i was desperate, i was weak, i could not put up a fight.

you were strangely less in pain
then you were cold.
triumphant in your mind of the logic that you hold.

and i hear of your coming and your going in the town.
i hear stories of your smile,
i hear stories of your frown.

where are you now?
where are you now?
do you ever think of me
in the quiet, in the crowd?
- where are you now, mumford & sons


the plan

I don't know why it has taken me this long to realise or 'get', but I have once again remembered the importance of reading the bible.

The past month I have been dead. A walking zombie. Actually those two descriptions don't describe what I mean at all (see previous post!). What I mean is that I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm drained. I don't have much left in the tank and the trip across the country has only just started. Humour me a sec. Close your eyes and imagine I'm going on a trip - driving from Auckland to Croatia (of course my car is one of those new water vehicles that drive on top of the water). Except I've only just made it over the Auckland harbour bridge and my petrol light is on. Sugar. I've hardly started the journey. (Now open your eyes so you can continue reading).

That is how exhausted I am. Drained, completely used up, very tired, have no reserves, falling asleep in my chair. Zero strength here.

And then I heard this analogy of reading the bible:

Reading the bible is like eating food. We all eat food. Some don't need to eat alot with their tiny stomachs, and then some need more. Some loooove food while some are ho-hum about it. Some love to cook while others don't know how. But regardless of all of this, we all need to eat, and we all do eat. Because it's what we do, it's how we survive, it's what gives us strength. Although sometimes our food is pretty bland, unexciting, un-inspiring and simple. But we still eat it. We might have burnt toast for breakfast, a carrot at lunchtime, and then maccaroni cheese for dinner. Doesn't sound very appealing but we still eat it. And then other times we go out and eat a meal at a restaurant. They cook our steak perfectly and they have our favourite dessert on the menu. Wow. And then we go home, go to sleep, wake up the next morning and have our burnt toast again. Even though we just ate some amazing food at dinner, we still need to continue eating the next day. And the day after that. The one amazing meal will not sustain us.

And the same for reading the bible. We need to read the bible daily. Even if we only have a nibble and it's not that tasty. We read a few verses and didn't feel very inspired. But we still do it because we need to "eat". And then maybe we'll read the Word and it will be an amazing time where God intimately speaks to us. But again we must wake up the next morning and do it again.

This is how I will build up my strength. I have set a challenge (because being competitive is in my nature) to read the bible daily. It might not seem like I'm getting much from it. I might only read a few verses and it might not taste that nice. It might feel like a chore (as cooking sometimes does) or it might be like eating a certain someone's famous brownie. But what I do know it will definitely be like is eating food. I will unintentionally and unknowingly by sustaining my body.

And that is how I plan to go from zero to hero.


working on it

'The enemy has come to steal and kill and destroy."
- John 10:10

I ain't a great communicator. This probably isn't new to you if you've followed my blog for any amount of time (nod your head if you agree). When I pick thoughts out of my head they don't come out in speech or on paper in any romantic way. They are awkward and sloppy and ugly. And most often they don't even contain the message that I want them to. I just ain't great at it.

Improvement = needed.


I have no end.

I had God in a box.

In fact it's likely I still do. But at least now I know to get a sledge hammer and smash the thing open.

Jesus once asked me if He would be enough for me. He asked me to surrender all my hopes and dreams and to be okay with purely Him alone. Long story short, I did - I have, and I've been feeling out of pocket since. My own dreams and plans seem so perfect. They seem like they will complete me and my life. But I have not being holding Scripture as close to my heart and instead have chosen to stumble across this plain, holding blindly to my own feelings. I have been walking around like a headless chicken. Gross.

"Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think."
- Ephesians 3:20

I never seriously considered that what God might have in store for me could actually be better than what I imagined. Not only might His will contain more than what we might ask or think, but 'infinitely more'. That's not just lots more or heaps more, but I have no end more. Pretty un-comparable to my so-called 'dream' life. I am capable of leaving a legacy here on earth. And not necessarily in having children and raising them to know and love the Lord, who will then go on to teach their children to know and love the Lord, who will go on and do exactly the same. The legacy I leave does not necessarily mean that there will be a vast family of mini- me's who, when the time comes, will get together and celebrate in Heaven. But maybe my legacy will not be with family. Maybe my neighbour who I have shared the gospel with will go on and tell her postman, who will go on and tell his mother, who will tell all the ladies at her book club, who will tell their grandchildren, who will share it with their teacher, who tell their pen pal in Croatia. And maybe, just maybe, the legacy I will leave will end up reaching the prettiest country in the whole entire world. And maybe that will be better than the vast family of mini-me's. Or maybe God has something infinitely more than that.

And in this instant generation that we seem to be a part of, it's easy to tell God to give it now. Where is this apparent I have no end plan you say? Funny you should ask. The amount of time between when Joseph was given his vision to the time that the vision was realised was 14 years. That's a lot of waiting. The disciples were taught by Jesus for years before he went up to heaven, and yet in Acts 1 we see Jesus telling the ready and eager disciples to wait even still.

"Do not leave Jerusalem until the Father sends you the gift he promised, as I told you before."
- Acts 1:4

Just wait for it. And as you do pray and build in anticipation for the mighty power of God to be revealed in your life. The same power that formed each individual cell in every human body and that created galaxies that we have yet to have even seen.

I hope that my patience and contentment will be as great as Abraham's. Abraham who continually believed what God had promised. Even though he did not know where he was going or get to see the land that he had sought for so long, he "saw it from a distance and [still] welcomed it" (Hebrews 11:13). He didn't long for the country he came from (his own plans and desire) or else he would have gone back. But instead:

"He was looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland."
- Hebrews 11:16

I plan on doing the same.

"Come to the edge." We can't.
"Come to the edge." We can't. We're afraid.
"Come to the edge." We can't. We will fall.
"Come to the edge."
And they came.
And He pushed them.
And they flew.



To my child of wonder rambling
All my crooked fingers pointing blame
Let it all wash out in the rain
Yes let it all wash out in the rain.

One more for forgiveness
Twisting in the cold
Singing love, love is something I believe in.
Too much my defenses
Are dangling from the chain.
But free, free is something to believe in.
- All Wash Out, Edward Sharpe