that's how it works

"Christ so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life."
- John 3:16

I think this verse gets candy coated. Alot. But I'm really wrestling with it. I feel like I can't accept His love because I don't understand it. To me it is simple: God should not love me because I do not love Him as I should. I realised that I've never been confronted with this before. My whole Christian walk I've never had to really consider my sinfulness. I use to always think I was a good person, and even when I use to ask God to forgive me of my sins I remember thinking there's not much to forgive.(Yes, you're allowed to gasp. I'm horrible.) Pretty naive huh? I have come to knew how wrong I was. 

"This saying is trustworthy and deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of who I am the worst." 
- 1 Timothy 1:15

As of late I've been finding trouble articualting my thoughts - to others and also to God. But then I will come across a song that says exactly what has been rolling around my tongue. This song is one of them. At the moment it is my prayer and my hope. My plead and my cry.

i know i need You. i need to love You.
i'd love to see You, but it's been so long.

i long to feel You. i feel this need for You.
And i need to hear You - is that so wrong?

Now You pulled me near You. When we're close i fear You.
Still im afraid to tell You all that i've done.

Are You done forgiving? Or can You look pass my pretending?
Lord, i'm so tired of defending what i've become.
What have i become?

i hear You say:
"My love is over, It's underneath, It's inside, It's in between.

The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel,
The times that you question 'is this for real?'
The times you're broken, the times that you mend,
The times you hate Me and the times that you bend.

Well, My love is over, It's underneath, It's inside, It's in between.

These times you're healing and when your heart breaks,
The times that you feel like you've fallen from Grace.
The times you're hurting, the times that you heal,
The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal.

In times of confusion, and chaos, and pain,
I'm there in your sorrow - under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache, I'm there in the storm,
My love i will keep you by My power alone.

I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been,
I'll never forsake you - My love never ends.

It never ends."
- Times, Tenth Avenue North 

How friggin' ridiculous is it that His love never ends. Even when we've come to the end of ourselves; when we're tempted by all the world has to offer; when we hate Him. Even if we were the ones who put the cross of thorns on His head; even if we were the one who betrayed Him and gave Him over to be crucified - even if we were freakin Judas, He would still love us. 

I call it stupid. He calls it Grace.

"I do not understand the mystery of Grace,
Only that it meets us where we are,
But does not leave us where it found us."

"You say that’s exactly how this grace thing works." 
- Mumford & Sons


I want to know

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithful
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

- Excerpt from 'The Invitation', Oriah Mountain Dreamer 



I am incapable to love.I can't love God. I can't love myself. And I can't love others nearly as much as I should.

I am unloving.

"When Simon Peter realized what had happened, he fell to his knees before Jesus and said, "Oh, Lord, please leave me - I'm too much of a sinner to be around you."
~ Luke 5:8

He should leave me.

I just don't know why He isn't.