that's how it works

"Christ so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life."
- John 3:16

I think this verse gets candy coated. Alot. But I'm really wrestling with it. I feel like I can't accept His love because I don't understand it. To me it is simple: God should not love me because I do not love Him as I should. I realised that I've never been confronted with this before. My whole Christian walk I've never had to really consider my sinfulness. I use to always think I was a good person, and even when I use to ask God to forgive me of my sins I remember thinking there's not much to forgive.(Yes, you're allowed to gasp. I'm horrible.) Pretty naive huh? I have come to knew how wrong I was. 

"This saying is trustworthy and deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of who I am the worst." 
- 1 Timothy 1:15

As of late I've been finding trouble articualting my thoughts - to others and also to God. But then I will come across a song that says exactly what has been rolling around my tongue. This song is one of them. At the moment it is my prayer and my hope. My plead and my cry.

i know i need You. i need to love You.
i'd love to see You, but it's been so long.

i long to feel You. i feel this need for You.
And i need to hear You - is that so wrong?

Now You pulled me near You. When we're close i fear You.
Still im afraid to tell You all that i've done.

Are You done forgiving? Or can You look pass my pretending?
Lord, i'm so tired of defending what i've become.
What have i become?

i hear You say:
"My love is over, It's underneath, It's inside, It's in between.

The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel,
The times that you question 'is this for real?'
The times you're broken, the times that you mend,
The times you hate Me and the times that you bend.

Well, My love is over, It's underneath, It's inside, It's in between.

These times you're healing and when your heart breaks,
The times that you feel like you've fallen from Grace.
The times you're hurting, the times that you heal,
The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal.

In times of confusion, and chaos, and pain,
I'm there in your sorrow - under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache, I'm there in the storm,
My love i will keep you by My power alone.

I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been,
I'll never forsake you - My love never ends.

It never ends."
- Times, Tenth Avenue North 

How friggin' ridiculous is it that His love never ends. Even when we've come to the end of ourselves; when we're tempted by all the world has to offer; when we hate Him. Even if we were the ones who put the cross of thorns on His head; even if we were the one who betrayed Him and gave Him over to be crucified - even if we were freakin Judas, He would still love us. 

I call it stupid. He calls it Grace.

"I do not understand the mystery of Grace,
Only that it meets us where we are,
But does not leave us where it found us."

"You say that’s exactly how this grace thing works." 
- Mumford & Sons


I want to know

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithful
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

- Excerpt from 'The Invitation', Oriah Mountain Dreamer 



I am incapable to love.I can't love God. I can't love myself. And I can't love others nearly as much as I should.

I am unloving.

"When Simon Peter realized what had happened, he fell to his knees before Jesus and said, "Oh, Lord, please leave me - I'm too much of a sinner to be around you."
~ Luke 5:8

He should leave me.

I just don't know why He isn't.


maybe ?

all the folly of the past though i know it is undone
i still feel the guilty one still trying to make it right
so i whisper soft your name let it roll around my tongue
you're the only one who knows me
you know me

when i can't feel you i have learned to reach out just the same
when i can't hear you i know you still hear every word i pray
and i want you more than i want to live another day
and as i wait for you
im made more faithful
- faithful, brooke fraser


a few of my favs.....

i like chocolate icecream
i like to spend hours watching the stars dance
i like vintage polaroid cameras
i like the colour white
i like road trips
i like spontaneous moments
i like the feeling of conquering one of my many fears
i like laughing out loud, even when no one else gets it
i like listening to foreign accents
i like lying in my bedsheets fresh off the washing line; they smell like sunshine
i like scrapbooking
i like my overly weird kittens
i like the people who trip up in public when they're by themselves
i hate it when that person is me
i like hope99
i like banoffee pie
i like it when i see old couples holding hands
i like isaiah 54 and joel 2
i like watching home videos
i like the feel of waves washing up on my feet
i like dancing in my living room when no one is watching
i like being a little ocd
i like to watch rain drops hitting the window
i like being a south aucklander - even though it has not made me any harder
i like inside jokes
i like board games
i like winning those board games
i like having good coffee with good friends
i like long eyelashes
i like real strawberry icecream melting down my hands
i like siestas with my sister
i like finding quotes that, if only for a second, changes who i want to be
i like thunderstorms
i like being different
i hate it when everyone tries to be the same
i like black nailpolish
i like that i over-analyse every. little. thing.
i like missions
i like flowers delivered to my door
i like to unwrap my christmas presents that my mum thinks shes hidden
i hate surprises
i like making 'to-do' lists
i like to be organised
i like popcorn with melted marshmallows
i like indie music
i like re-reading the txts that i have specically kept
i like jenny and anja
i like coming home from the gym with the feeling that i've done something good
i like house-sitting
i like getting lost
i like it when people laugh at my lame jokes, even if they didn't think it was funny
i like the idea of living in New York; i don't mind that it's never going to happen
i like going for walks
i like Him
and i like him
i like learning a new song on the guitar
i like nana naps
i like doing the fist pump and secret nod with sinead
i like bloc party
i like walking through the airport with a suitcase
i like things to be perfect
i like taking photos that even i am surprised with
i like kikki.k
i like ray bans
i like spending hours looking through a cute, secondhand bookshop
i like the moments when i am caught up in worship
i like william fitzsimmons
i like my conversations with my grandparents
i like mascara
i like grey's anatomy marathons
i like dusk
i like to take twenty minutes to bungy jump off the harbour bridge
i like baking
i like winding my window down while im driving and singing my favourite songs
i like cleaning
i like to cry in movies
i like that im gulliable; it means that i'm trusting
i like tim tam slams
i like not being able to put down a good book
i like to have something to be excitied about
i like diet coke
i like finding out something about myself that i didn't know before
i like hearing good news
i like being a new zealander at an all blacks game
i like sunsets
i like art galleries
i like not caring about what others think
i hate that this is not something i can do
i like japanese food
i like nigella lawson and giada de laurentiis
i like renting movies
i like 1/2 hour showers
i like it when a boy does something gentleman-like
i hate to think that those gestures are long gone
i like iced tea
i like the numbers 3, 9, and 11
i like cliches
i like joesf muller-brockmann posters
i like 'ten thousand angels' by caedmons call
i like croatia
i like that im a morning person
i like silence
i like that these are just a few of the things that i like


love love love

I'm obssessed with old hymns at the moment. It's strangely comforting to know that even with all the years separating when they were written and today, no relevancy has been lost. Same sins, same questions, same worries. And. They are so beautifully written I could die.

Rock of Ages, cleft for me.
Let me hide myself in Thee;
Let the water and the blood,
From Thy wounded side which flowed,
Be of sin the double cure,
Save from wrath and make me pure.

Not the labour of my hands
Can fulfill Thy law's demands;
Could my zeal no respite know,
Could my tears forever flow,
All for sin could not atone;
Thou must save, and Thou alone.

Nothing in my hand I bring,
Simply to thy cross I cling;
Naked, come to Thee for dress;
Helpless, look to Thee for grace;
Foul, I to the fountain fly;
Wash me, Saviour, or I die.

While I draw this fleeting breath,
When my eyes shall close in death.,
When I rise to world's unknown,
And behold Thee on Thy throne,
Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in Thee.
- Rock of Ages, Thomas Hastings, 1830


Teach Me.

O Lord my God.
Teach my heart this day
where and how to find You.

You have made me and re-made me,
and You  have bestowed on me
all the good things I possess,
and still I do not know you.
I have not yet done
that for which I was made.

Teach me to seek You,
for I cannot seek You
unless You teach me,
or find You
unless You show Yourself to me.

Let me seek You in my desire;
let me desire You in my seeking.
Let me find You by loving You;
let me love You when I find You.

- The Prayer, O Lord My God, by Saint Anselm


"I believe in the sun, even when it's not shining.
I believe in love, even when I can't feel it.
And, I believe in God, even when He is silent."
- Found scratched upon a wall of a cell in a concentration camp.


Still believe Me?

Just a few more quotes that spoke to me...
"Open your eyes now. It's time to see Me if you still believe Me."
- 'Open Your Eyes', Andrew Belle

"Look into My eyes and hear what I'm not saying, for My eyes speak louder than My voice ever will."
- Unknown

"I see my fated stars in Your eyes. They melt me like the sun does snow."
- Unknown


Open Your Eyes

"Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in your law."
- Psalm 119:18

"I want so much to open your eyes,
Cos' I need you to look into Mine."
- Open Your Eyes, Snow Patrol 

I feel like I am being told to open my eyes again. Somehow I have allowed myself to slumber and I've fallen asleep to His love. A friend and I once wanted to put on a concert for young people and call it "Awakening". We thought so many of us had fallen asleep. So many of us had become too content. Too satisified. And here I am a walking hypocrite. Not moving forward....maybe in fact going backwards. 

But God is dying for me to look at Him. You know the feeling when someone is staring at you? It's uncomfortable. Almost too intrusive. I can feel His eyes on me, urging me to make eye contact. I have a feeling that there will be something to learn from looking into His eyes. I know that I will most probably find hope and peace and answers.

But at the same time I'm not sure if I want to know. I'm scared of confronting God. I know that He's disappointed with how I've treated Him lately. 
I think maybe I just need to man up.

"Look into My eyes and you will see what your love
is doing to Me."

- Unknown.
Lately I've also been feeling like my soul has no soul. I don't really know how to explain it, but I feel abit dead. Like a walking zombie. I want to fall back in love with my Creator, but my passion is gone, and my soul is not singing for Him. This was when I was reminded of this well known english proverb:- "The eyes are the window to the soul." 
And this has brought me full circle.

Confrontation. I could not think of anything that scares me more.

"Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through
each other's eyes for an instant?"
- Henry David Thoreau


The Silver Lining

I am learning the lesson well and good of trusting in God. It seems that with every sideways glance I have yet another thing to hang my mouth open in wonder. 'Can it be so?'

Just the other day I was on a walk with a friend, and I was blabbing on about all my so called "doubts and concerns". But I looked over my shoulder and there was a perfectly shaped rainbow. It was one of those ones that arched across the whole sky...one of those ones that takes your breath away. And I was reminded of our promise that we were given.
A promise to be looked after.
A promise that we will no longer be punished.
A promise of our enemies being overthrown.
A promise that with every cloud comes a rainbow.

I didn't really believe in the idea that every cloud has a silver lining.
"Was I decieved, or did that sable cloud
Turn forth her silver lining on the night?"
- 'Bleak House', Charles Dickens
Am I decieved? Or can it be so?
I swear I'll know your face in the crowd
And I'll hear your voice so loud
When you're whispering,

"Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger.
Hey ungraceful I will teach you
To forgive one another."
- "Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape"