"God knows that I've been naive
But I think it makes him proud of me.
Now it's so hard to separate
My disappointments from His name."
- Naive, Sleeping at Last
Give or take a few weeks, and these lyrics would have been life status. I could not believe how how much I wanted Him to touch me, even just with His robe (this hasn't actually changed). Like the bleeding woman in the bible, just a touch of His robe would instanty heal me. And as He continued to offer me a trust in Him through His distance, I could not help myself from feeling disappointment. But I have to remind myself that I am naive, and my jealous God knows far greater than I. It was, and maybe still is, naive of me to tell God this is how I need You to love me and if you don't come this way, then you obviously don't.
I feel like this has taken me a while to put into words, when really it is quite simple. He is proud of my yearning for Him; of my desire to need only Him. But now I need to step up and out of this and become obedient. I need to obey my fearful God despite my feelings of disappointment. I need to act upon any trust & faith I have left in me, to honour the Lord God - my God. I need to hold true to the fact that the Holy Spirit is in me even if I can't see or feel it working.
And I know this new place will be a place of war; but it's got to be a hell of a lot better than the place of death that I have come from.
"I am counting on the Lord;
yes, I am counting on Him.
I have put my Hope in his word.
I long for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
yes, more than sentries long for the dawn."
- Psalm 130:5-6
As I begin to unscale my eyes, you can believe me when I tell you that despite all this I am still longing, still waiting with great anticipation for the day when He decides to reveal to me His face.